No One Is Born A Gladiator

I sat there praying that I would be capable of holding it together for 15 more minutes. It had been a perfect two weeks and I didn’t want to spend the next two trying to make up for a poor reaction that I could choose to have in that moment. Sometimes our whole world seems to come down to small, internal battles. 

Kaitlyn and I have a different rhythm than most families. Her typical monthly schedule requires that she spend two weeks at home and two weeks in California. My typical monthly schedule requires that I be extremely intentional with the two weeks that we spend together. I do not always accomplish this, allowing my list of projects to take precedence, but this round I was really winning. I had allocated my time well, boundaried when I needed to, and given us the amount of attention that I rarely do. 

But here we were in the car on the way to the air port and the conversation turned to a place where I felt very out of control. Very heightened emotionally. Very unsure of whether to engage or exit entirely. I chose the second option and kept quiet until I helped her unload her bags from the back of my old Cruiser. 

It’s important to clarify that when I write engage, I don’t mean a fight. We were not in danger of raising our voices or lashing out.  I literally mean to interact at all. 

You see, she had just innocently brought up something from the last year that was causing me a lot of stress  she wasn’t aware of. I felt like if I pressed into the uncomfortable place the conversation was going I wouldn’t have the endurance to  see it through, especially considering would be forced to do it over FaceTime that night after she touched down. 

And I had felt this feeling before. That need to hit the eject button before I was made to name how I felt. It was very familiar. 

Many of you that know my story are familiar with my health struggles that took place about a decade ago now. Mentally I’m in a much better place today but at the time, with a fresh and seemingly feeble clean bill of health, I couldn’t even hear the word “cancer” without spiraling. It was bad. 

I vividly remember bingeing some show with Kaitlyn not long after we were married and having to stop in season six when one of the main characters received a cancer diagnosis. It was like coming anywhere close to the idea unraveled me emotionally and my only defense was to decimate any world in which cancer could even exist. 

If I’m honest, it makes me sad to think about how fragile I was then. It makes me even more sad to think something could cause that fragility again. 

I dropped her off on Sunday afternoon. I was lucky that I had a meeting scheduled with another hangarman first thing on Monday morning. I came in hot knowing that if I didn’t immediately check in I might be stuck  evading my emotions all week long. 

So I went through the questions that we go through each Tuesday in our circles. I worked through where I had felt this in the past, even before I was ever sat down in my oncologists office. My friend, Sam, met me with both clarity and care. Because of this conversation I have been able to take action this week instead of prolong my avoidance. I’ve been able to journal out my thoughts, pray for strength where I need it, and loop Kaitlyn in on how I’m feeling. 

 I’m so grateful for the men he has placed in my life. 

It’s a tedious balance that we embrace as hangarmen. But it’s one that I can attribute to a lot of my personal growth in recent years. Even second hand from men that loved me well prior to my own entering of the circle. On one hand, we are instructed not to worry because the God that designed us has taken great interest in even the most minute areas of our lives. See Matthew Chapter 6: 

If that’s how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and thrown into the furnace tomorrow, won’t he do much more for you?  Matthew 6:30(CSB)

But one the other hand we also know that we as men are responsible for the development and discipleship of our families - which begins with us. I think often about the words of Proverbs chapter 24: 

If you falter in a time of trouble,  how small is your strength! Proverbs 24:10(NIV)

I’ve grown more convinced as time goes on that our success in becoming the men we hope to be is determined by our internalizing the capability of God as best we can and incorporating friends who will hold us up when we can’t muster that faith. As a wise, old hangarman once said “real men engage.”  We engage in the curious ways of a God who loves us. We engage in a community he has gifted us. 

Finally men I would encourage you that if you find yourself falling into a less desirable version of who you used to be do not lose hope. Take that frustration and bring it into a conversation - specifically with other men who will remind you of your goal. 

Ryan Holliday put it this way: “No one is born a gladiator. No one is born with an Inner Citadel. If we’re going to succeed in achieving our goals despite the obstacles that may come, this strength in will we must build.”

Nobody has made it. We are all still building. Thank God we get to build together.