The Danger of Disqualifying Yourself
Some things are factual. They can be taken as an actuality, and accepted as truth. But they shouldn’t be taken for granted.
Things like a slow Saturday morning or when your dog actually brings the ball back to you. Those sort of things are consistent now but were worked hard for.
Things like fall bringing football, deer season, and cooler weather. Of course it’s coming, but that doesn’t change its value because we all sweated through the summer.
Many of you reading this may have a similar feeling when it comes to regularly sitting in a circle of godly men. You’ve made it a priority and in doing so you have also made it a cherished, consistent reality. Good for you, Hangarman.
Sitting is one thing. Sharing is something else entirely though.
As important as the sitting is, we know speaking into the circle is arguably just as crucial. It has been proven over time that the sharing of our stories not only provides people with context for our current situation, but can also serve as a parallel for the pains another man may be carrying.
But this is not easy. At least not for most men. And for me this battle begins as soon as the first man has shared and the time for feedback has come. Maybe you have felt this as well:
I look around at the men I’m sitting next to me. They have gray hair or successful businesses. Some have both. I bet they drank wine or expensive whiskey this weekend. Cheap beer suits me but at the moment I am very afraid to give the Busch Light version of feedback to the man who just poured his heart out. If I am really honest, I’ve made similar mistakes to him. How would I have anything additive to say anyway?
Every week that we meet together we need to be aware that there is a very real danger of self-disqualification. Of writing off our own ability to speak into a man’s life. Of limiting God’s ability to use our experience for someone else's benefit and betterment.
In reality, I believe that this is actually a well tuned tool of the enemy that stifles growth by keeping those who have been given grace quiet.
It makes sense then that Jesus diffuses displacement in one of his most famous parables - a familiar story of a man who made mistakes just like the ones that might keep us quiet in the circle.
In Luke chapter 15 we find the well-known narrative of a young man whose choices landed him in a pen full of pigs. Hungover and lonely, he literally smelled like his bad decisions. Relatable.
As he begins to come to his senses, we see his self-talk turn to the very self-disqualification that lurks at the low points of our own life. Watch as he quickly demotes himself from a son to a servant:
When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired workers have more than enough food, and here I am dying of hunger! I’ll get up, go to my father, and say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight. I’m no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired workers.”’ So he got up and went to his father.
Luke 15:17-20 (CSB)
But as he approaches, he is barely able to begin his sales pitch before his father has poured him a drink and thrown a party out of gratitude for his return. It turns out that his dad didn’t have any intentions of demoting him.
Just like God, this good father had already forgiven him and was simply looking for the green light to exhibit grace to the son he loved so much.
When we try to disqualify ourselves from speaking into a man’s life, we are actually taking away a role God always intended to grow us into. And the hard truth is that we also shrink away from our duty of discipleship.
It can be unnerving to provide feedback for a man out of our own experience, especially if from failure, but we have been given grace as a gift that we can sew into someone else's story each time we sit together.
It’s for this reason that the apostle Paul was able to write as a mentor to Timothy encouraging:
“Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them. But I received mercy for this reason, so that in me, the worst of them, Christ Jesus might demonstrate his extraordinary patience as an example to those who would believe in him for eternal life.
1 Timothy 1:15-16 (CSB)
Robert Greene said in his bestselling book Mastery that “Malfunctions are a means of education.” Be a good brother to the men around you and share your story, mistakes and all. After all, mistakes that we learn from might just make us better sons. Talk about things we shouldn’t take for granted.
As a final note, there are twelve men who will be attending a Hangar Coaching Weekend for the first time in September. If you are a man who has been to one of these events before then you know how valuable alumni feedback is the first time you share your story.
I would highly encourage you to come invest in these men by hearing their stories and providing them with the sort of discipleship that comes from real feedback. The registration link will be provided below. It’s likely that God intends to use your experiences to extend his grace to someone else.
